what ever happened to that one girl?

here's a little update on life in cassie-land; i'll start where i left off with a lot of folks:

in july 2003, i busted out of that crazy commune and headed straight back to santa barbara in my cute little '85 toyota van. i spent the summer working summer camps with WYP, slept in people's yards, and generally enjoyed the romance of homelessness in a beach town with no responsibilities. i'll spare you all the gorey details, but essentially, i drove up and down the west coast several times (my van has seen that drive at least five round trips), moved back to hood river in january, got engaged in february, got unengaged in may, left entirely in august, drove to phoenix to work for Anasazi, and finally moved back to california in january. i'm now living outside the town of Ventucopa, which makes Trout Lake look like a metropolis, on a bit of land in the high desert of the California interior, with three other people, four dogs, and two cats (see below).

on the surface, even writing it out, it seems that i've done nothing to aid in the "forward progression" of life, which it is true that in the traditional modern sense: i've not gone back to school, done any apprenticeships to a particular skill, or landed any jobs with any sense of security (as if there is such a thing). however,the skills that are not tangible, not classifiable, nor monitarily valuable, and i've found, imparative for survivial, have made their presense known to me in not the most comfortable terms.

americorps was the transition from the adult-babysitting-service (college) to the harsh (and envigoration) realities of life. real life doesn't have the constant feed of social circles or built in identity associations. in school i chose to take on the labels "good student" (with the expectation of future security), "computer programmer" (as in, "i'm smart and somehow better than you for it"), "non-sorority girl" ("look at me; i'm so cool because i wear vintage clothes... i'm so original with all my original friends"), etc etc etc... americorps was much like school in this respect: it gave me a whole set of hats to try on, and exclusivities to indulge in.

college never taught me how to truly LOVE living, how to find value in myself without producing something "useful", how to have meaningful friendships based on connections of the soul (rather than similar backgrounds, judgements, or lifestyles), how to have a successful intimate relationship, how to listen to the needs of my own body, how to have compassion for those who are hurting (which is really everyone)... realizing that all of these things are missing from one's life, that, "wow! now i have to make some decisions and stick to them and i could fall flat on my face with no one to pick me up and now there's no one standing over my shoulder saying 'good job' and giving me the standardized letter to tell me i'm 'progressing,'" and that all of my previously based identity labels are no longer relevant, is enough to drive one insane. and well, i think in some ways it did me in.

so amist all my wanderings, i've fallen flat many times. i've even rubbed my teeth in the mud while i'm down, returning with a gritty smile. i've been plumb-nuts many times, and sometimes for loooong times (where i was never really sure of seeing the light again). i've learned many things, but nothing i could explain to another soul and be fully understood. it's all just life, and we're all just learning to live.

all the "how's" and "where's" and "when's" are insignificant if one can never enjoy the fragments of moments that make up this life experience. does it matter how big my house is if i can't look my lover in the eye and be swept away by the miracle of his being?