confessions of a dog lover

Emptiness makes us uncomfortable. Silence is usually interrupted by applause from someone who thinks the symphony is over. We try to abolish intervals by our manic insistence on keeping busy, on doing something. And as a result, all we succeed in doing is destroying all hope of tranquillity.

-Watson, Gifts of Unknown Things

...and here i sit inside of a cramped trailer, Angus (my elderly, canine, boyfriend, who is very black and bull-like indeed) in toe, on a perfectly sunny day that i should be outside rejoicing, all for the sake of "doing something." (as if basking in the sun weren't enough!)

the cuyama compound--er--center is all but deserted this week. it's just me, five codependant animals, and one dan fontaine, whom cyndi called to come take care of the precious' while she and warren are out of town (figuring that my attacks of impulsive adventuring are unpredictable and unhealthy to the food/love needs of her babies). however, having these animals all around, needing as much as they do, has taught me heaps about physical affection, unconditional love (like not getting turned off by the aroma of rot), and how much these animals need consistency (maybe everyone needs a little consistency).

i've never had a pet, with the exception of an albino rat named Elvis, and even that was too much responsibility for me; when i moved into a treehouse, he moved into a kindergarten class room, and lived out the last of his days quite happily, i've heard.

i grew up around cats, but was never responsible for their life. mom always bought the food, fed them, and gave them all the love and affection they needed. i'd occasionally sit and pet one, but usually they were a source of entertainment for me, something to dress up, torture (humanely, of course... we're talking tape on the paws and socks on the head here), or wrestle with (as much as one can with a 15-pound animal). and with all that, there was always the opportunity for me to check out, leave, close the door, never look back for a day or a week or forever. i never took to the time to recognize the same needs in them that i, myself, carry; they were only objects to me.

so now here i sit (my sister, Little Bear, has joined the hideout) surrounded by these dogs, needing food, water, and lots of love. spending the last few months with them in such close quarters ("on 450 acres," you say? well, when it's pouring and 30 degrees outside, you'd better believe that every last domesticated creature on this property is crammed into the kitchen with the oven door open blasting warm, effiecient, propane heat), i've come to learn the distinctions in their personalities. Angus has the deep, chocolate, insecure eyes, the whine, and two painful back hips that make even just getting up quite a feat for him. he butts his over-elongated head into me whenever i'm petting him, asking for more, but almost never approaches me to begin with. there's River, the oldest in the pack, and never seen without a smile; he's God-incarnate if i've ever seen one. i can only hope i'm as content as him when i'm 105. i could write a novel about Little Bear, and the intracacies of her behavior. she is accutely aware of group dynamics, both canine and human, and how to get her way in most any situation. she is stubborn as all hell (which is why i like her so much... plus she's the only one that's doesn't smell like rot), and quite affectionate once one is accepted into her pack.

with these distinct personalities, how could i not recognize them as individuals, and very much alive. how can i ignore Angus' depressed flop on the ground, River's grin as he comes to topple me, or Little Bear's morning head-nuzzle? i'm finding building my relationships with them similar to that with the plant life of this land: the more i know the more i want to know. and the more i know, the more deeply i love them, and the more blurred are the boundaries between human and dog.

so my conclusion is that cyndi was right: they have gone and made a dog lover out of me. and now another kind of person, one who likes having foul-smelling animals around, doesn't seem so alien to me.

my world view has just gotten a little clearer.