how many can empathisize?

i found these words on a recent journey through the internet. although not with the specific life situation, i wonder how many folks can relate to this feeling of loss in the world today. my thoughts are with this woman; i hope she gets what she needs.

I'm feeling so lost today. And no wonder. I just recently found out that I'm pregnant, and not to mention, totally unprepared. I've been doing nothing for so long and now I need to kick myself into shape but I dont know how. I've become so bitter about this culture we live in, and so unwilling to participate in it. But now I have a baby on the way, and I need to figure out how to support it. I wish I had someone to take me under their wing and help me find a way. I don't even know what I want to do. I know I need to get out of Connecticut, people are far too materialistic, capitalistic, selfish, unmotivated, and close-minded for me to ever think about raising a child here. And not only that, I need to get out of here to save myself as well. I wish I could say I was a strong person, but as of yet, I am pretty weak and still allow myself to be much too influenced by my surroundings. I know I need to get back in the habit of exercising and meditating, but in this house, it's so impossible. Everything feels impossible. Why does it have to be so hard to live another way? Why do we limit ourselves to this one way of life? I wish I could find a support community, right now i feel so alone. I dont know of anyone else who wants to escape from this box. How is it that people around here are so blind, so content? I just want to find people who are different....

poetic words

God must be one of those delicious dreamy aromas that float into the soul on the warm hopeful days of spring...a smell that beguiles and inebriates the mind, which, like a fine drunken horse of water, the heart rides, galloping wild like a river of possibility, right through the topsoil of your youth, cutting and eroding a groove that will be your life, a canyon sunk deep into the virgin plains and unsawn forests of your early days.

-Martin Prechtel, Long Life, Honey in the Heart

justification for my insanity

check this out: the quarter life crisis, according to Wikipedia

what are you thankful for?

"be careful what mentor you choose; you'll get all the bad parts too," says Shawn.

the same goes with parents, only we don't get to pick them. all the grief gets passed on like toxins through the breast milk. (scratch that: not toxins. these have been the greatest teachings of my life, and it would surely be dull without them.)

it's only been the last few months that i've allowed myself to acknowledge all the traumas and griefs in my own lineage, on both sides. up until recently, i'd always operated under the assumption that i was impervious to the various abuses that exist in my family; although not all directly experienced by me because my parents were amazing at "breaking the cycle," the fear and trauma they carried, and thus the associated behavior, have successfully been inherited.

and of course this was passed on to them from their parents and their parents and their parents all the way back to the conquer, whenever that was for my ancestors. but that's a whole different tangent.

because my point here is a positive one.

i'm thankful that just as the hurts and traumas are passed on, so too can the healing and learning (even after the bird has flown the coop). i'm thankful that my mom is still continuing down here own soul-seeking journey, and includes me in the learnings (because most likely i can stand to learn the same lessons she does). i'm thankful that she gave so completely of herself, to help me become who i am today, for better or worse, allowing me now to sort through all the pieces, leaving what doesn't work for me, and continuing down my own road.

and i'm so thankful for those six teens who are about to go out for three days and acknowledge and heal their own ancestral grief. it's big work, and they're a beautiful example for us all.

beautiful teens in the desert

cuyama is officially a networked, multi-computer facility. fancy, eh?

actually, now the second lap top is connected through a router to the other end of the trailer, where the user sits on a pillow on the bed beside Little Bear, rather than on the posture-promoting-ergonomic-kneeling chair. sitting here feels much more relaxed and "private" because everyone who comes in can't see the screen, and i'm not in the way of phone usage (i'm big on privacy, as some may know... it always goes back to the childhood). we'll see if this lends itself to exsessive time spent on the computer (although when it hits 100++ degrees the last place i'll want to be spending time is on the inside of a metal box).

this week the La Cuesta teens are here in Cuyama. the six of them, with the assistance of Sharon, Shawn and Charlie, are preparing for the three day vision fast they will embark on tomorrow at dawn. feelings of nervous excitement are fluttering through most stomachs here, teens and adults alike.

meanwhile Paul and Warren are putting in the new propane line while Kolmi is planting more seed starts. and then there's Gabe who is off on some adventure; we haven't seen him for hours, but he'll surely return with wild edibles, a near-death story, or just a glow that hints at something deeper.

hold onto your waterbottles folks... with this kind of company around, something is sure to disappear (to some place you won't quite remember putting it, but if you're not really on your game, you'll just think you weren't paying attention and all the while Charlie or Shawn will be snickering in the background).

give a girl a home...

...and watch everything else fall away. particularly if she's been without for nearly two years. and that's just what happened to me the last couple weeks. i've been given one of the domes as a shelter while i'm here in cuyama; i can't begin to express how amazing it feels to spread out a little, knowing i don't have to pack it all up in the morning.

the cultural mentoring weekend went off without a hitch, and was actually quite pleasant and unobtrusive (only ~30 people, including staff and kids). due to the small size it was possible for unfiltered presense for everyone involved. i participated in the blindfolded drum stalk (rather than protecting as i have for the past three years), and had huge walls come crashing down as a result. the whole weekend gave me a little glimpse into what these "workshops" are helping people experience and my GOD it's huge and frightening and beautiful. i cower in the responsibility of it all, but am so honored to be a witness to it.

the weather out here has been quite typical of spring: rainy, chilly, and dynamic. the sun is shining, and the wind is howling down the canyon, stripping away any remnants of heat i could hope to collect between my skin and a wool sweater.

every day here is so different with the flux of people and the energy and excitement they carry. just two days ago, there were nine people here. and today, there are no visitors, cyndi and warren went to town for the 40th birthday celebration, and cindy is working on her camp. it's cassie, little bear, and the king birds, holding down the fort.